Someone recently asked which super power I would want to have, and I said "reading other's minds, on occasion".
I have changed my mind, I would rather that my mind could be read. I would give that.
It would save me a lot of talk and energy, and explanation. Plus the repeating the hell out of myself to people who just do not hear, or listen, or chose to ignore.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
My reactive crap
I have been giving a lot of thought to my first blog about my daughter's comment about being "inferior to the pretty girls". I was so stunned to read that that I just reacted...without thinking it through. Without realizing the buttons it pushed in me. Without thinking about why she would say something like that, something that rings false with me...knowing her as well as I do (or think I do). The first button it pushed was just that, that perhaps I do NOT know this child of mine so well. Crap, how could I not see her insecurities? Next button/issue was, crap, how much am I/was I like that? How much am I still like that? How much was I at her age? And then, crap - all of the above. And then in a week or so I went back to button #1 and realized I do know this kid well, better than anyone. I watch her and listen to her and see the choices she makes. I know her closest friends well, and their mothers. We are all over each other. She knows me in ways better than I know myself, and vice versa. And we occasionally point that sort of stuff out to each other. We all do so, ruthlessly, from time to time.
My darling daughter, in my opinion and belief, in no way feels inferior to anyone, in any capacity, except her running speed. She might want some more attention, especially from members of the opposite sex, and the men in her life, but I truly belive she does not feel inferior. Nor should she. I think she does not want others to feel inferior to her in the pretty department, so she said what she said. I know who her true heart-felt friends are. That is the sort of thing she would do or say to make them see her in a different way. She is a pretty girl who is not judgmental. Nor am I (hah, I try). Her best close bare it all pals are NOT all the "pretty" crew. She said that to make them feel better, and herself, maybe, unknowingly. That is kinda sad, but understandable I suppose. It is how we are sometimes. She and I do tend to bend ourselves a bit far to make other people feel better. Her heart is in the right place, but geez. It was nice to hear a 19 year old male pal say that he was sorry that his gender laid this kind of " need to be pretty" weight on her. He has a point. But I took the weight off of him, after thanking him for his thoughts. We can't blame men. Not if we are smart enough to know better. Nor can we blame society or economics or culture, not at this point. Why bother? I think the kids coming up now are going to change our world...and I think for the better. I am doing my part to contribute to that betterment, in ways I suppose, through these kids.
My darling daughter, in my opinion and belief, in no way feels inferior to anyone, in any capacity, except her running speed. She might want some more attention, especially from members of the opposite sex, and the men in her life, but I truly belive she does not feel inferior. Nor should she. I think she does not want others to feel inferior to her in the pretty department, so she said what she said. I know who her true heart-felt friends are. That is the sort of thing she would do or say to make them see her in a different way. She is a pretty girl who is not judgmental. Nor am I (hah, I try). Her best close bare it all pals are NOT all the "pretty" crew. She said that to make them feel better, and herself, maybe, unknowingly. That is kinda sad, but understandable I suppose. It is how we are sometimes. She and I do tend to bend ourselves a bit far to make other people feel better. Her heart is in the right place, but geez. It was nice to hear a 19 year old male pal say that he was sorry that his gender laid this kind of " need to be pretty" weight on her. He has a point. But I took the weight off of him, after thanking him for his thoughts. We can't blame men. Not if we are smart enough to know better. Nor can we blame society or economics or culture, not at this point. Why bother? I think the kids coming up now are going to change our world...and I think for the better. I am doing my part to contribute to that betterment, in ways I suppose, through these kids.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Why I do the things I do
I've been feeling really introspective lately...more so than usual, and it is tiring. I suppose it is an emotional closet cleaning thing. It seems to be necessary every few years. I've been giving my self a good going over, cleaning out, re-arranging a thing or two.
One of the things that's been part of it is questioning my true reasons for doing some of the things I do. (Some things I really just HAVE to do - part of the jobs that are mine).
My friend Christine prompted me to think about this again tonight. She was asked why she paints her nails - and she said, for herself (good answer, in my opinion).
I have gotten so wrapped around the question that I even question why I pet the dog. Is that for ME? Is that for HIM? Mostly it is for both, but on occasion it is ALL ABOUT ME and he could give a shit.
My daughter and I volunteered to assist a disabled man who lives nearby with some basic stuff around his house. I have talked to him about this. I realized that I decided to do that as much for me and what I get out of it as for him. Maybe I get more out of it than he does. I don't know. He and I have decided it is fine, and we won't worry about it either way on any given day. He says I am the blessing in his life - it might be the other way around though.
I've always thought of myself as a pretty unselfish, giving sort of person but I wonder.
How much of what I do in that name is really about feeding MY ego....my sense of self.
Most of what I do is done without condition, or so I think. Maybe more of it is about what I want and need afterall and not so much about others.
I do believe I think way too much some days.
One of the things that's been part of it is questioning my true reasons for doing some of the things I do. (Some things I really just HAVE to do - part of the jobs that are mine).
My friend Christine prompted me to think about this again tonight. She was asked why she paints her nails - and she said, for herself (good answer, in my opinion).
I have gotten so wrapped around the question that I even question why I pet the dog. Is that for ME? Is that for HIM? Mostly it is for both, but on occasion it is ALL ABOUT ME and he could give a shit.
My daughter and I volunteered to assist a disabled man who lives nearby with some basic stuff around his house. I have talked to him about this. I realized that I decided to do that as much for me and what I get out of it as for him. Maybe I get more out of it than he does. I don't know. He and I have decided it is fine, and we won't worry about it either way on any given day. He says I am the blessing in his life - it might be the other way around though.
I've always thought of myself as a pretty unselfish, giving sort of person but I wonder.
How much of what I do in that name is really about feeding MY ego....my sense of self.
Most of what I do is done without condition, or so I think. Maybe more of it is about what I want and need afterall and not so much about others.
I do believe I think way too much some days.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
My daughter
I just read this on her myspace and was a bit saddened. She said...
' I still feel inferior to pretty girls. Since my parents split up I have become pretty independent and self-reliant. There are some people I'd kill for, less that I'd die for. You know who you are. "
I responded to her in writing. That was my first reaction. This was my response...to her myspace thing.
"You are quite independent, in some ways. And self-reliant in some as well. Not enough though. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and taking out trash do help and count.
You ARE one of the pretty girls. I never was. I know how that feels. But YOU truley are pretty. Ask Mike, ask Stedman. As Becca, she is pretty, and honest. You are not a cheerleader, you are not all fancy pants, priss pot, look at me.
And there are lots of lovely girls in your school. I think Kamika is stunningly beautiful, for example.
But so are you.
You are a pretty girl. Ask anyone.
What matters more chicka is this - you are kind, thoughtful, generous, patient, smart, a citizen of your community in all ways.
THAT will get you through life. Being pretty is a bonus.
A bonus that you have.
I love you,
Mom
At the moment I finished writing that she walked into the room, searching for printer paper, and I decided to chase her back across the house and make her talk about this a bit. She cannot explain why she feels inferior. So I wrestled with her physically and verbally and threw all the dog toys I could find at her as she shut me out. It is what we do to each other.
Next verbal exchange will be about who she would kill for. That disturbs me as well.
And who she would die for. And I wonder which list I fall into.
' I still feel inferior to pretty girls. Since my parents split up I have become pretty independent and self-reliant. There are some people I'd kill for, less that I'd die for. You know who you are. "
I responded to her in writing. That was my first reaction. This was my response...to her myspace thing.
"You are quite independent, in some ways. And self-reliant in some as well. Not enough though. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and taking out trash do help and count.
You ARE one of the pretty girls. I never was. I know how that feels. But YOU truley are pretty. Ask Mike, ask Stedman. As Becca, she is pretty, and honest. You are not a cheerleader, you are not all fancy pants, priss pot, look at me.
And there are lots of lovely girls in your school. I think Kamika is stunningly beautiful, for example.
But so are you.
You are a pretty girl. Ask anyone.
What matters more chicka is this - you are kind, thoughtful, generous, patient, smart, a citizen of your community in all ways.
THAT will get you through life. Being pretty is a bonus.
A bonus that you have.
I love you,
Mom
At the moment I finished writing that she walked into the room, searching for printer paper, and I decided to chase her back across the house and make her talk about this a bit. She cannot explain why she feels inferior. So I wrestled with her physically and verbally and threw all the dog toys I could find at her as she shut me out. It is what we do to each other.
Next verbal exchange will be about who she would kill for. That disturbs me as well.
And who she would die for. And I wonder which list I fall into.
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